me oh my

my calves are ridiculously thick. 

and my thighs, gross.

help!

i can NOT think of the name of this movie. 

please help me remember??!!

i hate...

how i walk my eyes down

not because im embarrassed or shy but because i am judging every single girl that happens to cross my vision. i tear them apart starting with the thighs. im  viscous. i compare my thighs to hers. my legs look like hers. i want my legs to look hers. i would kill myself if my legs look like hers. i wish my legs looked like hers. i cant even fathom how many time those words enter my head on a daily basis.

how when i watch movies with my friends and they all gush how hott that boy is, and i dont notice because i was looking at his female counterpart. 

how most people would think i was a lesbian if they looked at my computer and saw countless pictures of skinny pretty girls on my computer.

how food is always always always the prevailing thought in my head. 

how i cant live a normal life because im counting calories.

how i cant fucking wear shorts or dresses because this way of thinking caused me to drag a razor blade across my legs over and over and over again.

how even though its been years sincec my last dance with the blade, its shadows on my legs still haunt me daily.

i fucking hate feeling like this! 

but i love skinny.

this will be me this summer

i think ill shave my head

i have a plethora of 80s jeans.

im too fat to fit.

seriously

she is so damn beautiful\

hot damn

its never ceases to amaze me how much just ten pounds can do!

that will be me soon

For Christmas I got
Laxatives
Body Wraps
and  Acne Shit


No Mom, you didn't push me into this way of thought at all.
Like you always told me, "Beauty is Pain".





Oh how could I forget my BF's awesome presents
Ankle Weights! like I'd been wanting, new staple for my wardrobe. unless my boots or pants wont cover them. hah.
PostSecret Book! my favorite, with the most perfect secret inside from him that will never cease to make me laugh and smile.

i dont know what to feel

i had every intention of getting on today to retire
        from twitter
                 from my blog
                        from this way of thinking
i went first to my twitter
       as i was typing my explanation
                 i saw how many more followers i had
                        it made me really emotional
                                for i dont know why
i then proceeded to look at the new followers and their profiles
          i was exposed to skinny girls
                 after the weekends absence
i began to seriously tear up
        i'm so fat
            my legs look nothing like the girls in pictures
i felt strong for an instance
        i felt i could be okay with myself
now i cant wait to get on that scale in the morning
          and see the damage done from the weekend

how could i ever have thought that i was strong enough to think differently?

i'm pathetic

i'm fat

i'm ugly

i have enormous thighs

i'm not a good person

there is nothing special about me

i hate myself

i'm fat

failed

i failed.
i failed
i failed
at 7 i got my break at work
staring at me were fresh bagels
my homework wasnt distracting
and i had no cigarettes
and much more than those lame excuses is that i just suck


and i figured since id already messed up,
might as well go all out
CHILI CHEESE TOTS from Sonic
how fucking disgusting am i


im taking some actual real diet pills tomorrow, maybe even adderall. its been awhile, ive been saving it,
but im so sad and disappointed. so much for those three pounds i lost :(
and weddings all weekend. do weddings have a lot of food?
im not strong enough.
i have to do good tomorrow.

Francesca Lia Block
She changed my life
When I say she is my favorite author
Its not nearly enough

She is my inspiration in nearly every way

SGD day 3

half a healthy choice soup- 90 cal
small piece of spinach pizza- 200
total- 290 
no exercise however :/
but i was 110 under my limit
plus i started a fast with a twitter girl at 9 pm
16 hours of no food so far

i went back up to 120.8 after my bad day 2.
but heres the amazing news
lost 3 pounds!
117.8!!
im getting there. im getting close.

its crazy how much the scale influences my attitude for the day.
its a happy day :)

tomorrows a 500 day, but hopefully i'll be able to keep my fast instead :)

Sorry Hannah Montana.

But two lives does not equal the best of both worlds.
not for me at least.
Its amazing how fake i can be to hide the real me.
I dont think I know the real me anymore.

sgd day 2

i fucked up
probably 1000 calories yesterday
i burned 450 cals working out though
so my totals about 550/300
i feel like its cheating cause i didnt subtract calories burned from calories intake on day 1
i just did bad
no loss or gain yet either

goal is 117 by sunday.
its completely possible.
i just hope i can do it.

my brothers wedding to the devil is tearing my family apart.
i play mediator between my 32 and 28 year old brothers last night.
i hate it.

todays a 400 day.
ill do better today!

legs, legs, legs!

i hate my own legs. 
my double hips as my mother calls them.
my thighs are unnaturally large.
not to mention, covered in scars.
if only they looked more like these legs!

32.5/24/34

 hot damn, look at Animata's legs. so so small. 

34/24/34

Ana Lisboa has an amazing body. look how the jeans hang off her body in her last photo. 

not to mention she is absolutely gorgeous.

Angie Harmon

I hope I can look like this at 38 years old! 

And three kids.

34/23/34

My legs will be as straight as Cassie Gardners!

Day 1-SGD

day 1 of sgd was pretty successful. 

     so far...

1 cup pasta salad- 250 cal

1 oz yogurt- 18 cal

mixed fruit cup- free!

1 tbsp fat free ranch- 24 cal

mixed veggie cup- free!

cookie :( - 80 cal

total- 372 cals

im about to try a yoga vid one of my new found twitter friends suggested to me. 

tomorrows a 300 day

yikes

so glad i found these awesome fruit and veggie cups on campus!!!

update//

30 mins of yoga- 250 cals burned

i hate my thighs

its a good workout. 

try it

College

I'm double majoring in Nutrition and Psychology
I dont know what I want to do
Im scared Im doing this for the wrong reasons
and that instead of getting better or helping others
Ill get worse because I know Im not yet ready
    and dont want to
get "better"
I want to be skinny
and Im scared
I think this is the real reason I want to drop out and not finish school
Im terrified
I will mess up
and this is a mistake
maybemaybemaybe

weekends

Spent the weekend back at home
i went on a trip with my father, and allowed myself normal food.
i just wanted to have a nice trip
mother gave me a shitload of a new pills
she's probably my greatest supporter and encourager and she has no idea.
                she thinks im trying to be healthy or something
                                she frequently calls me overweight
so I'll be back to good again this week
stocked up on adderall
and my brother gave me something
i think he knows im taking them to lose weight and not to focus
      my mom fucked him up with EDs too though. so he's helping me
                  i have no idea what kind of pill he gave me
visited my best friend
i honestly dont know what i would do without her
i need her

i also got some diurex and laxatives


i just need to get on track this week
only two weeks before i cut my hair!!
need to lose at least ten pounds
trying around with different diets and cleanses and pills
pills and teas instead of real foods
its like im 85 years old.

Possibly the best news of all..
I am no longer 120 pounds!!!
i'm still 119,
but its amazing how much that one pound can make such a difference

wish me luck!
oh and i just started my first ana twitter!
follow me?
Ana_Mouse!!

Im in a good mood, those new pills probably helped, but Im feeling like this is possible!

yesterdays list

yogurt:100 cal
hot dog with bun: 25o? cal
gym:-400 cal
total: -50 cal
i dropped 2.6 pounds yesterday, i know its mostly water weight but still. so exciting! encouraging!

Lets see how i do today
yikes



some pretty pictures:

Alyssah Ali

A gorgeous IMG model from Trinidad heritage.

5'10'' with a 22.5'' waist

Almudena

Another IMG model

The definition of sex

5'8'' with a 23'' waist

last night with my boy i cried because i love him so much.
we always talk about quitting college and moving to arizona next year
he'll open a skate shop
we'll get married and have beautiful half asian babies and be the happiest people alive

hes knows me better than i know me
he knows when im feeling unattractive and he wants to figure out why im so hard on myself and help make me better and happy
he makes me happy.
im so in love.


unfortunately im still fat too.
today im going to do good.
wish me luck
yikes

im so fucking pathetic
im so damn disgusting
i hate living with people
people who eat all the damn time
and get mad when i dont
i honestly wouldve done so good all weekend had e not made me
today and yesterday were totally my fault
tomorrow taking an adderall from my very dwindling stash to get me on track
ill be good again
i promise


i miss my best friend :(

very excited about my new goal
once I reach 105 I'm cutting my hair like Winona Ryder

:D

Whats eating you?

I don't deserve him.

Reset

I'm starting over. I failed. I'm disgusting. I've done awful. And I drank Saturday. Talk about empty calories.
So starting over. Fasting today.
Yesterday was boyfriends anniversary, we're going out tomorrow.
I'll eat on our date. But nothing else for today and tomorrow. Maybe one more day of fasting. Not sure yet..
Than onto my newest diet:
My college newspaper has a daily horoscope. For each sign, there is a different number each day. It rates how easy your day will be.
I will take that number and times it by 2. Thats how many bites of food I can have that day. If I don't get a paper, I don't get any bites.
It could work..

Boyfriends first basketball game today. Hopefully I'll actually work out before.
Yikes

I miss my digital scale. . .

. . . Its so hard to tell if I lost any, or exactly how much, on the stupid mechanical scale I have here at college. It may have been my early morning eyes, but it looked like the needle was closer to 120 line this morning than last. I'm going home tomorrow, so I'll get to see for real how awful I've been since college. Maybe mother will let me trade with her, that would be amazing.
So I did amazing all day yesterday until my late night snack :(  but today I literally couldn't peddle my bike to class. It required more power than my fat thighs could exert. I rode it as far as I could but had to ditch it halfway there. It was the weirdest thing.
So after my weird bike ride, I caved and I've already eaten some of an iced cookie. I threw it out though, along with the pasta salad I for some reason bought. Maybe I'll take a pill and make up for those mistakes through out the rest of the day.

So I did it. . .

. . . twenty four and a half hours with absolutely no food.
than my dumb ass went and had some of my roommates moms homemade banana bread. it was a really small piece. but i put butter on it. I'd done so good today! I was around people eating and food and I hardly thought about taking a bite. Id done so well. Now that i messed up i just want to mess up bad. make it worth it. i was so proud of me. god. im awful. i suck. im fat. im gross. i hate myself.

Day 1. . .

. . .nearly 15 hours so far.
I did have a cup of black coffee. 5 cal?
but other than that just water and 0 cal vitamin water.
I just took a diuretic to maybe help eliminate the extra liquids in my body.
I have one more class than work. I have to write an essay tonight but hopefully I can squeeze in a visit to the gym before bed.
Let's see how long I can keep this up.
Yikes.

Just compare the girl on the left to her more 'normal' friend.

May 25th, 2006. . .

. . . Just looking through my old journal.
An entry three days after my fourteenth fucking birthday:
"What do i see when I look in a mirror?
I see a girl
with big uneven ears
an ugly nose
bags under her tearful eyes
acne
gross boring hair
rolls upon rolls of fat
thunder thighs
flat chest
cellulite butt
thats what I see when I look in a mirror
and people actually wonder why I'm on the verge of
anorexia
bulimia
cutting
suicide
if they saw what I see when I look in the mirror
They wouldn't wonder anymore."

God, looking through this. I want to cry. Hate is just flowing off the pages. I seemed to have so much more self control during this time. This time full of anger and hatred for myself. It was so much easier when no one cared. I think it must be why I'm pushing the greatest guy who ever came into my life away from me.

For the first time ever in my life my waist is a solid fucking 27 inches.
This summer. THIS SUMMER. I was down to a 25.
Seeing that damn measuring tape stretched across my bloated (yeah, I fucked up day. Fried rice too. so so so bad) bulging stomach say 27 inches makes me want to die. For the longest time the only thing keeping me from killing myself was the fact that I didn't want to die fat. Hopefully that damn measurement will be enough to keep me motivated for a while.
I'm attempting my first fast in quite a while. It wont be a long. We'll take it slow. See how it goes.
Yikes.

I cant. . .

. . . throw up.
And my thighs are tree trunks.

Its amazing. . .

. . . how her bones stick out and her stomach goes in. Thats how it should be. I wish thats how it was for me.

I can't hardly believe. . .

. . . That this was me.

I can't even remember feeling skinny like this, of course I didn't think I was then, but I'd kill to be now.

not necessarily small, but no love handles and pretty smooth.

I'm getting bigger, less smooth, but tan.

Just compare the legs with the following. Two and a half years ago.

And this is me now. I disgust myself.