I miss my digital scale. . .

. . . Its so hard to tell if I lost any, or exactly how much, on the stupid mechanical scale I have here at college. It may have been my early morning eyes, but it looked like the needle was closer to 120 line this morning than last. I'm going home tomorrow, so I'll get to see for real how awful I've been since college. Maybe mother will let me trade with her, that would be amazing.
So I did amazing all day yesterday until my late night snack :(  but today I literally couldn't peddle my bike to class. It required more power than my fat thighs could exert. I rode it as far as I could but had to ditch it halfway there. It was the weirdest thing.
So after my weird bike ride, I caved and I've already eaten some of an iced cookie. I threw it out though, along with the pasta salad I for some reason bought. Maybe I'll take a pill and make up for those mistakes through out the rest of the day.

So I did it. . .

. . . twenty four and a half hours with absolutely no food.
than my dumb ass went and had some of my roommates moms homemade banana bread. it was a really small piece. but i put butter on it. I'd done so good today! I was around people eating and food and I hardly thought about taking a bite. Id done so well. Now that i messed up i just want to mess up bad. make it worth it. i was so proud of me. god. im awful. i suck. im fat. im gross. i hate myself.

Day 1. . .

. . .nearly 15 hours so far.
I did have a cup of black coffee. 5 cal?
but other than that just water and 0 cal vitamin water.
I just took a diuretic to maybe help eliminate the extra liquids in my body.
I have one more class than work. I have to write an essay tonight but hopefully I can squeeze in a visit to the gym before bed.
Let's see how long I can keep this up.
Yikes.

Just compare the girl on the left to her more 'normal' friend.

May 25th, 2006. . .

. . . Just looking through my old journal.
An entry three days after my fourteenth fucking birthday:
"What do i see when I look in a mirror?
I see a girl
with big uneven ears
an ugly nose
bags under her tearful eyes
acne
gross boring hair
rolls upon rolls of fat
thunder thighs
flat chest
cellulite butt
thats what I see when I look in a mirror
and people actually wonder why I'm on the verge of
anorexia
bulimia
cutting
suicide
if they saw what I see when I look in the mirror
They wouldn't wonder anymore."

God, looking through this. I want to cry. Hate is just flowing off the pages. I seemed to have so much more self control during this time. This time full of anger and hatred for myself. It was so much easier when no one cared. I think it must be why I'm pushing the greatest guy who ever came into my life away from me.

For the first time ever in my life my waist is a solid fucking 27 inches.
This summer. THIS SUMMER. I was down to a 25.
Seeing that damn measuring tape stretched across my bloated (yeah, I fucked up day. Fried rice too. so so so bad) bulging stomach say 27 inches makes me want to die. For the longest time the only thing keeping me from killing myself was the fact that I didn't want to die fat. Hopefully that damn measurement will be enough to keep me motivated for a while.
I'm attempting my first fast in quite a while. It wont be a long. We'll take it slow. See how it goes.
Yikes.

I cant. . .

. . . throw up.
And my thighs are tree trunks.

Its amazing. . .

. . . how her bones stick out and her stomach goes in. Thats how it should be. I wish thats how it was for me.

I can't hardly believe. . .

. . . That this was me.

I can't even remember feeling skinny like this, of course I didn't think I was then, but I'd kill to be now.

not necessarily small, but no love handles and pretty smooth.

I'm getting bigger, less smooth, but tan.

Just compare the legs with the following. Two and a half years ago.

And this is me now. I disgust myself.

I hate. . .

. . . how awful I feel. I feel like failure. I mean what I've eaten today isn't a lot, a normal persons snack. But to me. It's just failure.

half a stalk of celery

3 oz fried okra :(

1 bite of a vegan cookie

But the worst part is, theres a Korean festival I'm going to with my friends. I know I'll eat. I know I'll hate myself.  
I guess thats why I really feel like failure.

"Good morning to you. . .

. . . good morning to you, we're all in our places with bright shiny faces, good morning to you." That song being sung to me by my father every morning for so long is probably one of my favorite memories. Isn't it crazy how much something so small can mean?

I woke up this morning. . .

. . . and realized that i had completely lost control. Let myself go to an all new low. I woke up this morning, stepped on the scale and realized I was tipping over 120 lbs. OVER 120!! Just three weeks ago I said 'I will kill myself before I reach 120 lbs'. And now here I am, more than I ever thought possible. I disgust myself. So, if I stay true to my word, I must either die or lose weight. Those are my options. I woke up this morning and remembered that I hate myself. I have been playing this game for five years now. This game of starving, eating, hating, binging, at one point, even cutting. I'm now a freshmen in college. My lowest weight is around 95 lbs, but that was so long I can scarcely remember that feeling. I've pretty much been complete shit ever since.