Principles of Human Nutrition

for my nutrition class, we have to set a goal
and steps to reach that goal.
we have to keep track of it,
and we are graded on our goals.

Now of course,
my goal was to lose weight.
but because it had to be a healthy goal,
i said "lose ten pounds".
i cant have my bmi underweight,
or my teacher may send me to a counselor.
even though 108 is definitely not my goal.
it is now.

for my steps to reach this goal,
one was eating less.
so i said i would eat 3 meals of 300 calories  a day.
thats 1500!!!
so if i do eat 5 meals a day,
i tihnk it will be closer to 5 100 calorie meals.

i guess i will have to make 2 food diaries.

i feel like no one takes me seriously.
i dont talk about wanting to lose weight much in front of people or what i eat ever
but my close friends generally know i dont like my body.
bf- *holding me from behind* "you've gotten so skinny!"
me- "no i haven't! i haven't lost a single pound!"
bf- "before i couldn't even.." breaks out laughing
me- i hit him and walked away
bf- "you know i'm kidding"
i hate how people make a mockery of me
i hate me too though
i think i have too much hate in my life

tuna and pickles

1 can of light tuna- 160 cals
<1 tbsp light mayo- 25 cals
as many pickles as your little heart desires(chopped)- 0 cals!

mix together.
tastes awesome alone
with crackers or as a sandwich

and this makes probably 3ish servings?
depending how much you eat.
so we'll say one serving is 62 calories!!


not too bad.
yumm.

when i was 11 years old
i got my first zit
on my first school dance
this is my first memory of really hating my appearance


when i was 13 years old
i got braces
this is my first experience with starvation
i quickly dropped probably 30 pounds,  
00 pants were baggy
i weighed 95lbs
i maintained this weight for probably a year
this was inspiring

when i was 14 years old
i was skinny
i got my first boyfriend
he told me he loved me
i gave him my virginity
he dumped me
the next day
this was devastating


its weird,
i cut myself for years
i have scars covering every inch of my thighs
another reason im completely obsessed with thighs,
no matter how much weight i lose,
my thighs will never look like theirs
i dont know how old i was
when i first started self mutilating
i dont remember what set me over the edge
i remember being young and toying with the idea,
i remember being young and holding the knife
i remember being young and never going through with it
but i dont remember the first time
this really bothers me


i dont know the point of this post
i dont why im saying these things
im sure i sound pathetic
i probably cant remember my first cut because nothing in my life has ever been bad enough to make me do this, i was probably just a dramatic kid

this makes me hate myself even more

i cant wait to go back to my dorm room
          with my full size fridge stocked with diet dr pepper and coke zero
im forced to spend onefreakingthousand dollars on food in five months.

fuck osu

         diet soda, fruit cups, and veggie cups
                   one thousand dollars worth


i will reach my goal. i promise. 

me oh my

my calves are ridiculously thick. 

and my thighs, gross.

help!

i can NOT think of the name of this movie. 

please help me remember??!!