when i was 11 years old
i got my first zit
on my first school dance
this is my first memory of really hating my appearance


when i was 13 years old
i got braces
this is my first experience with starvation
i quickly dropped probably 30 pounds,  
00 pants were baggy
i weighed 95lbs
i maintained this weight for probably a year
this was inspiring

when i was 14 years old
i was skinny
i got my first boyfriend
he told me he loved me
i gave him my virginity
he dumped me
the next day
this was devastating


its weird,
i cut myself for years
i have scars covering every inch of my thighs
another reason im completely obsessed with thighs,
no matter how much weight i lose,
my thighs will never look like theirs
i dont know how old i was
when i first started self mutilating
i dont remember what set me over the edge
i remember being young and toying with the idea,
i remember being young and holding the knife
i remember being young and never going through with it
but i dont remember the first time
this really bothers me


i dont know the point of this post
i dont why im saying these things
im sure i sound pathetic
i probably cant remember my first cut because nothing in my life has ever been bad enough to make me do this, i was probably just a dramatic kid

this makes me hate myself even more